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[benumbing]

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[iustitiae]

[connor shows up not long after that, with a bottle of vodka in hand.]

Ask and ye shall receive.

action

[benumbing]

My only friend.

[connor or the vodka? jack probably wouldn't know which one he means either. he's remarkably upright and conscious for as much alcohol as he already has in him.]

Maybe I should've asked for something more.

[iustitiae]

Jack...

[he trails off for a moment, trying to decide if he really should say what he wants. but he also feels like he kind of owes it to him to be honest.]

We can't do that again.

[benumbing]

[jack opens his mouth to say that that isn't what he meant, in case it sounded that way. but instead:]

'We' didn't.

[he laughs softly, even if it's not the least bit funny.]

[iustitiae]

[it isn't funny. connor just frowns more deeply.]

That's not the point.

[benumbing]

So what is the point?

[jack looks around, feels around, until he finds the bottle that he was working his way through.]

Tell me. I want to know.

[iustitiae]

[connor watches him, definitely starting to wonder if bringing over more alcohol was a good idea or not.]

I have a... boyfriend, back home. [beat] It's complicated.

[benumbing]

[jack would've found more. but the bottle pauses on its way to his lips. his brows lift before he leans forward.]

A boyfriend. Back home. [yes, that is what he said. jack takes a deep breath.] I honestly don't know if I'm supposed to congratulate you or offer my condolences.

[iustitiae]

[there's a short, morose laugh]

That's what I would've said, before. I'm not really good at the whole "boyfriends" thing.

[benumbing]

The timing is shit, but I don't think you can be blamed for that.

[the door, the damned door, the fucking gods. all of it.]

So, you're slapping on a chastity belt? I'm looking into them already. [jack smirks and sips.] What's his name?

[iustitiae]

That was kind of the plan.

[but god, he remembers everything his double did and as awful as it was, jack was so hot and it was all so good and it's going to be difficult to forget that any time soon.]

His name is Oliver.

[connor doesn't really want to talk about him, though.]

Why are you giving up sex? You're hot, good at it.

[benumbing]

[and possibly twice. congrats on your everything, connor. gorgeous even when confessing to murder.

speaking of:]

Does he know about what you did?

[it's quiet, concerned. it feels too much like a situation where he could get hurt. but jack won't press if he doesn't want to answer.]

I fucked the thing that killed you. [and that disgusts him. and that's not even all of it.] And Johnny, well he's straight, but his double certainly wasn't.

[he knew. that time he knew. and he did it anyway.]

[iustitiae]

No. He doesn't. He's a good person.

[the implication is obvious: connor doesn't think the same of himself.

but he's too raw and emotional to hide his reaction about johnny.]

Don't give up on Johnny yet.

[benumbing]

Do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

[and be happy, because jack believes connor still has a chance for it.

he looks at the other man thoughtfully for a moment.]

There's nothing worse than wanting someone you can never really have.

[iustitiae]

You don't know you can't have him.

[right??]

[benumbing]

I kissed him and he never mentioned it again. But after what my double said to him...

[jack snorts softly and shakes his head. oh right, vodka. he holds his hand out for the bottle.]

[iustitiae]

[connor reaches over with his hand instead of handing him the bottle. he rests his hand on jack's arm just for contact's sake.]

That was your double. It wasn't you.

[benumbing]

[jack stills, eyes resting on connor's hand.]

Why doesn't that make me feel better about it?

[iustitiae]

Honestly, it doesn't make me feel much better either. But I'm trying to convince myself.

[benumbing]

I want to say something encouraging, but I'm too tired for that shit.

[he flops back against the couch, but at least he leaves the booze behind this time.]

I should apologize.

[iustitiae]

Why? You didn't do anything wrong.

[benumbing]

I feel like I've done everything wrong. [he closes his eyes.] I wish my sister was here. Maybe if I had her example.

[iustitiae]

You have to live your life, not hers.

[he gets it though, he really does. he moves his hand from jack's arm to his shoulder, scooting closer to him]

Tell me what you think you've done wrong.

[benumbing]

I've pretended to be a better man than I am.

[right now he still feels like that selfish, entitled thing that he wanted to believe he left behind in shiloh.]

You know why it didn't shock me when he told your secret? I've done worse. Men are in their graves because of me, one who loved me more than his own life. I tried to put my father in one too, and I only regret that I failed.

[iustitiae]

[connor forces himself not to pull back, as much as he wants to. the things jack says really are upsetting but. he's trying to be here for his friend.]

Why?