benumbing | ic contact

I want to say something encouraging, but I'm too tired for that shit.

[he flops back against the couch, but at least he leaves the booze behind this time.]

I should apologize.

Why? You didn't do anything wrong.

I feel like I've done everything wrong. [he closes his eyes.] I wish my sister was here. Maybe if I had her example.

You have to live your life, not hers.

[he gets it though, he really does. he moves his hand from jack's arm to his shoulder, scooting closer to him]

Tell me what you think you've done wrong.

I've pretended to be a better man than I am.

[right now he still feels like that selfish, entitled thing that he wanted to believe he left behind in shiloh.]

You know why it didn't shock me when he told your secret? I've done worse. Men are in their graves because of me, one who loved me more than his own life. I tried to put my father in one too, and I only regret that I failed.

[connor forces himself not to pull back, as much as he wants to. the things jack says really are upsetting but. he's trying to be here for his friend.]

Why?

I hated him.

[he wouldn't blame him for pulling away. if jack were a better friend, a stronger man, he would push him away.]

My mother too, I think.

[he's trying to understand. he wants there to be something to understand in this.]

...did he hurt you?

He humiliated me.

[jack's voice trembles with it. hurt, he could've endured, at least the physical kind. he sighs.]

Maybe I humiliated him too. The thought of his crown on my head, a king who sometimes liked getting on his knees.

[but not when it was to kiss the ground at his father's feet.]

[connor takes a deep breath. his hand his almost shaking, but he's really trying, here.]

Whatever he did, or -- or said, it wasn't right. You didn't deserve any of it. Not because of liking guys. Or anything else.

[connor's nearly shaking because of him, and that's enough to finally get him to lean away. as much as he doesn't want to.]

It ended the way that it should have. He lived - lives. And I'm here.

[he doesn't follow, dropping his hand into his lap.]

Being here isn't a punishment. Even if it feels like it.

Really? You're separated from someone you love. I love someone who's here but who'll never feel it for me. What do you call it.

Being separated from Oliver might be for the best.

[not just here, but at home too. a better person would've let oliver go and be safe a long time ago.]

You should try talking to Johnny. Maybe this is a good thing. You can be yourself without your dad watching over you.

Why?

[about oliver. johnny - he wishes he had a shell to hide in rather than face him.]

Because I always fuck up. Because even if my double was the one who decided to sleep with everyone, I would've done it eventually. I did it before. [he sighs, breath shaking] It's more than that. This whole murder thing? Oliver is a good person. He doesn't deserve to be around people who make everything this fucked up.

[oh. jack's own misery is forgotten as he listens to connor, turning his head to watch him after the first few words. and what does he say, as one fuck-up to another? how does he make him feel better when he knows that it would be a temporary balm at best?]

Why did you murder them?

[he thought before that connor must've had his reasons for it. he still believes that.]

It... [connor takes a deep breath, trying, desperately, to keep himself from falling apart in from of jack any more than he already has.] I didn't kill him. I was asked to go to our professor's house so we could pick up Wes' girlfriend. I didn't know she was stealing from our professor's husband. He found her, though. Chased her.

[sometimes the memory is a blur, like it happened to someone else. sometimes its so vivid its like it happens all over again]

He was going to choke her. He probably would've killed her. Wes hit him over the head with this trophy. And then...he died. And we took care of it.

You're not a murderer. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

[jack wonders if he'll give himself a break if he hears that enough.]

You're a good person. Good people always get caught up in other people's bullshit.

I hurt Oliver. I cheated on him, before.

[i guess hes just determined to prove he's not a good person.]

And now you're proving your loyalty to him. [he holds up a hand.] Look, you're even turning me down. That's admirable.

It is admirable.

[he laughs a little bit]

If things weren't so complicated, I'm jump you in a heartbeat.

And I'd let you.

[the laugh sounds good from him. it makes him feel a little bit better.]

But I won't complicate them more.

I'll just have to think of you fondly.

[#gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay]

Just not in the shower. Unless that doesn't count as cheating in your book.

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iustitiae - 2017-01-29 03:38 (UTC) - Expand