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[benumbing]

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Comments

[iustitiae]

No. He doesn't. He's a good person.

[the implication is obvious: connor doesn't think the same of himself.

but he's too raw and emotional to hide his reaction about johnny.]

Don't give up on Johnny yet.

[benumbing]

Do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

[and be happy, because jack believes connor still has a chance for it.

he looks at the other man thoughtfully for a moment.]

There's nothing worse than wanting someone you can never really have.

[iustitiae]

You don't know you can't have him.

[right??]

[benumbing]

I kissed him and he never mentioned it again. But after what my double said to him...

[jack snorts softly and shakes his head. oh right, vodka. he holds his hand out for the bottle.]

[iustitiae]

[connor reaches over with his hand instead of handing him the bottle. he rests his hand on jack's arm just for contact's sake.]

That was your double. It wasn't you.

[benumbing]

[jack stills, eyes resting on connor's hand.]

Why doesn't that make me feel better about it?

[iustitiae]

Honestly, it doesn't make me feel much better either. But I'm trying to convince myself.

[benumbing]

I want to say something encouraging, but I'm too tired for that shit.

[he flops back against the couch, but at least he leaves the booze behind this time.]

I should apologize.

[iustitiae]

Why? You didn't do anything wrong.

[benumbing]

I feel like I've done everything wrong. [he closes his eyes.] I wish my sister was here. Maybe if I had her example.

[iustitiae]

You have to live your life, not hers.

[he gets it though, he really does. he moves his hand from jack's arm to his shoulder, scooting closer to him]

Tell me what you think you've done wrong.

[benumbing]

I've pretended to be a better man than I am.

[right now he still feels like that selfish, entitled thing that he wanted to believe he left behind in shiloh.]

You know why it didn't shock me when he told your secret? I've done worse. Men are in their graves because of me, one who loved me more than his own life. I tried to put my father in one too, and I only regret that I failed.

[iustitiae]

[connor forces himself not to pull back, as much as he wants to. the things jack says really are upsetting but. he's trying to be here for his friend.]

Why?

[benumbing]

I hated him.

[he wouldn't blame him for pulling away. if jack were a better friend, a stronger man, he would push him away.]

My mother too, I think.

[iustitiae]

[he's trying to understand. he wants there to be something to understand in this.]

...did he hurt you?

[benumbing]

He humiliated me.

[jack's voice trembles with it. hurt, he could've endured, at least the physical kind. he sighs.]

Maybe I humiliated him too. The thought of his crown on my head, a king who sometimes liked getting on his knees.

[but not when it was to kiss the ground at his father's feet.]

[iustitiae]

[connor takes a deep breath. his hand his almost shaking, but he's really trying, here.]

Whatever he did, or -- or said, it wasn't right. You didn't deserve any of it. Not because of liking guys. Or anything else.

[benumbing]

[connor's nearly shaking because of him, and that's enough to finally get him to lean away. as much as he doesn't want to.]

It ended the way that it should have. He lived - lives. And I'm here.

[iustitiae]

[he doesn't follow, dropping his hand into his lap.]

Being here isn't a punishment. Even if it feels like it.

[benumbing]

Really? You're separated from someone you love. I love someone who's here but who'll never feel it for me. What do you call it.

[iustitiae]

Being separated from Oliver might be for the best.

[not just here, but at home too. a better person would've let oliver go and be safe a long time ago.]

You should try talking to Johnny. Maybe this is a good thing. You can be yourself without your dad watching over you.

[benumbing]

Why?

[about oliver. johnny - he wishes he had a shell to hide in rather than face him.]

[iustitiae]

Because I always fuck up. Because even if my double was the one who decided to sleep with everyone, I would've done it eventually. I did it before. [he sighs, breath shaking] It's more than that. This whole murder thing? Oliver is a good person. He doesn't deserve to be around people who make everything this fucked up.

[benumbing]

[oh. jack's own misery is forgotten as he listens to connor, turning his head to watch him after the first few words. and what does he say, as one fuck-up to another? how does he make him feel better when he knows that it would be a temporary balm at best?]

Why did you murder them?

[he thought before that connor must've had his reasons for it. he still believes that.]

[iustitiae]

It... [connor takes a deep breath, trying, desperately, to keep himself from falling apart in from of jack any more than he already has.] I didn't kill him. I was asked to go to our professor's house so we could pick up Wes' girlfriend. I didn't know she was stealing from our professor's husband. He found her, though. Chased her.

[sometimes the memory is a blur, like it happened to someone else. sometimes its so vivid its like it happens all over again]

He was going to choke her. He probably would've killed her. Wes hit him over the head with this trophy. And then...he died. And we took care of it.